New Shit.

hello, addicts! happy new year. this will probably be my last entry of 2008. 2009 is a matter of hours away, and i'm very amped about it.

i do have this nagging little cold, however, and i can't seem to shake it. what worries me is that, right now, while i'm at work, there are a million people at my house drinking. well not really a million...more like a half a million. and when i get there, there will probably be more coming. i sincerely hope that my other half has the presence of mind to stop the guests from fucking up any of my shit.

to celebrate the coming of the new year, the other half and i decided to get some liquor (a whole LOT of liquor, to be exact), order a couple of pizzas and invite a few friends over. the only problem is, i'm sick, and i probably won't be much fun tonight. i've been pumping myself full of painkillers and chicken soup and blackberry tea with a touch of honey and vodka for the past 3 days in hopes that my symptoms would subside enough for me to be able to enjoy this night.

they've subsided. the symptoms. they're just not fully gone. i have this awful dull headache above my left eye...i have the sniffles, and to be truthful, i'd really rather just have a glass of champagne and go the hell to bed. i've been secretly hoping that nobody shows up to the little get together we threw...but no such luck.

they're over there.

they brought two kids.

i'm kind of mad about that. no, that's not right. i'm just a little irritated about that. i was hoping that it would just be the adults, if it had to be anybody at all. i love kids, but they whine, they cry, they fucking shit themselves, they knock shit over, they scream, they're loud and they're generally not very considerate. i have too much nice stuff for kids to knock over and fuck up and break and wreak havoc upon. i'm hoping none of that happens tonight.

jesus christ, my elephants!

my fucking ceramic elephant collection!

i swear to god...

*whoo-saaahhhh...*

whatever. anyway, 2009. i don't think i have a new year's resolution. i'm not going to say i want to lose weight, or quit smoking, or land a good job(namely because i already have one)...nothing like that. i think i'm just going to resolve to make myself a better woman, in every way that i can. educationally, physically, spiritually, all that. i want to make myself a better woman.

and i want an apartment on mt. washington. that's my crazy new year's resolution. i'm going to get myself an apartment on mt. washington.

a lot of crazy things have happened in 2008. a lot of bad things. katrina. iraq. bush in general. afghanistan. bombings. beheadings. hangings. death. dying. despair.

looking back, this has been one shitty ass year.

the only truly good thing, globally, in the midst of all the bullshit, that has happened is obama.

i can only hope that his arrival will signify positivity for this country and for the world.

the only thing that i can promise is that i'm going to do my part to make this year better than the last. i will be more involved in my activism. i will volunteer my time to the animal shelter. i WILL go back to school. i will be on my grown woman.

you know, i've noticed that on myspace, a lot of people have said things like "imma be on some new shit in 2009. stay tuned."

feh.

what is this infamous "new shit" that everybody's supposed to be on, that we are all supposed to "stay tuned" for? what does that really mean? no one ever seems to elaborate on what that truly means. does this mean that we're finally getting rid of our deadbeat baby daddy's? does this mean that we're not going to allow the girl who works at the jewelry counter at Macy's to sabatage our job as a cashier? does this mean that we're going to finally rent those 20 inch rims we saw at the rim shop and put them on our 1991 cavaliers? does it mean that we're going to increase our hours at the hair store so we can stop wearing tracks and start saving up for a lace wig or two?

:) i'm being facetious, but what does that "new shit" really consist of? inquiring minds would really like to know.

if i'm going to get on some "new shit", that means that i'm going to make an attempt to get a promotion at my job. that means that i'm going to read more books and try and learn more about the existence (or lack thereof) of a religion that didn't use its values to brainwash people. it means that i'm going to learn more about the legalization of marijuana. it means that i am going to learn more about the process of getting out of the military so that i can help soldiers that have been lied to and abused by their commanding officers and thus, the military in general. that means that i'm going to make strides in my education. that means that i'm going to be more available to my family. that means that i'm going to be a better friend. that means that i'm going to attempt to find myself, and figure out what i really want.

that, my dear addicts, is MY new shit. what the fuck is yours?

happy new year, everybody.

see you in 2009.

until then...

One L♥ve.

Drunk.

I have absolutely nothing to say. I am drunk, and tired, and a little nauseated. I can barely hold my eyes open, and I am making a game out of attempting to type this without opening my eyes. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at typing, so this should be somewhat coherent.

Tonight I went to a bike function at Sin City's clubhouse. I went with a coworker. It was a good time. I am, as I said, moderately to fully intoxicated, and I've been home for a while now. Long enough to listen to Kanye West sing "Heartless" a few times, make peach mango tea with a touch of vodka and turkey noodle soup in hopes of getting rid of this slight fever and cold that I have.

Hmm.

Tomorrow we play the Browns, I do believe. If I'm not mistaken. I have no doubt that we'll hand them their asses. Oh, jeez...by "we", I mean the Steelers, respectively. I think that, if I remember, I'll wear all black and gold and put the black shit under my eyes (which is actually black and silver MAC makeup for me) in order to show my team spirit.

I came across a blog recently that was entitled "I Hate All Things Pittsburgh" or something to that effect. I chuckled at that. I can't see how anyone could hate Pittsburgh. I mean, I can see how one could mildly dislike some of the things that go on here, i.e. the racism, the crazy white drunk people who yell and scream and stumble into the streets on the South Side, or the way that fucking drink tax seems to put a slight damper on the night life around here...but "hate"? I can't see that. I love Pittsburgh. I really do. I do plan to move from here eventually, to South Carolina, but when I do, I will truly miss it here.

It's 4:20! :) I don't smoke weed, but it's fun to say that it's 4:20. At least right now...specifically because I'm inebriated.

Bikes make me happy. :)

Okay. This is what I think it is: I'm going the hell to bed. I'm going to take my tea with me and fall asleep to The Super Mario Brothers Super Show on DVD.

I love all of you.

Maybe I'll masturbate one more time.

Eh. The world is mine.

Until next time...

One L♥ve.

How-To.

I was reading something online about how to mend a broken heart.  I have come to the conclusion that all women need to know how to do this.  Men, I'm learning, tend to have their own ways of doing this...but women tend to struggle with it sometimes.  I came across this how-to.  I have edited it a little and ad-libbed as I saw fit.  I hope it helps...if anyone is reading.

Days 1 and 2

Step1

Breathe. All you can do is survive this first and difficult day. Take one day at a time. Give yourself permission to mourn. Call in sick at work, sleep all day, eat too much ice cream, sob.

Step2

Congratulate yourself for being human: It is only when you open yourself to love that your heart can break. Develop and repeat a helpful mantra to get you through the initial shock and pain, such as "This too shall pass" or "I will survive."

Step3

Reach out to a close friend or family member. It helps to share your thoughts with others. Watch a movie to distract yourself. Choose a comedy that has cheered you up in the past. Or watch a movie that's guaranteed to make you sob--it may surprise you how good that feels.

Month 1

Step1

Week 1: Force yourself to go out even if you are feeling despondent. Take yourself out for a cup of coffee or go on a long walk. Express your emotions in a way that comes naturally. Write in a journal, paint, sculpt or play music. Do daily cardiovascular exercise--the endorphins will give your spirits an immediate lift. Resist the urge to call your ex. Instead, write a letter. Don't mail it. Go out of town for the weekend to distance yourself from the temptation to call your ex. Visit an old friend or go back home to your roots. A change of environment does wonders for the spirit. Put everything that reminds you of your ex in a box and seal it. Throw it away, donate it to charity or ask a friend to hold on to it indefinitely.

Step2

Week 2: Surround yourself with friends. This may mean reaching out to people you fell out of touch with during the relationship. Make lists to help you regain your confidence and identity: a list of your friends, of things you like, of what you want to accomplish in the next decade. Spoil yourself: Get a new hairstyle, have a spa day or go shopping. Resist the urge to call your ex.

Step3

Week 3: Assess the experience. Have you learned anything about yourself? Does the experience make you more empathetic to others who've suffered a hardship? Begin an activity that will fill your time, distract your mind and rebuild your confidence. Train for a marathon, take up yoga or learn a new language. Resist the urge to call your ex. Volunteer your time at a local homeless shelter, soup kitchen or tutoring center. It will take your mind off your own woes and keep your suffering in perspective.

Step4

Week 4: Continue regular socializing and exercising. While socializing, though, make sure you don't depend on alcohol or drugs to dull the pain. Call your ex if you feel it would be helpful. Resist if you merely want to say hurtful things. Consider dating other people, but be wary of rebound relationships. Understand that you will need to experience and process sadness, anger, guilt and fear to fully heal. Burying or ignoring these emotions will thwart the healing process. Write, cry, share the feelings with friends.

Months 3 to 6

Step1

Force yourself to go on dates. You'll be surprised to discover that your heart can still flutter over someone. It's part of the healing process.

Step2

Consult a psychiatrist if you are experiencing symptoms of depression, such as lack of appetite, insomnia or too much sleeping, low self-esteem, and an inability to concentrate or carry out routine tasks. Ask a friend or physician to recommend one who is experienced in treating depression.

Step3

Remember that healing is a process that takes time. Expect waves of sadness, anger, guilt or fear even after you think you are over it. Give your heart time to heal.

One year and beyond

Step1

Compartmentalize the experience in your memory: "My heart was broken once. It really hurt and I'm glad it's over."

Step2

Reach out to your ex if you want to re-establish a friendship. Do not harbor secret ambitions of winning him or her back. You'll only set yourself up for another heartbreak.

Goodbye, Mr. Brevard.

hello, addicts.  it's been almost a month since i wrote.  if there's anyone out there actually reading this...if there's anyone who actually cares...i'm sorry it's been so long.

well, christmas[kwanzaa for me]is upon us.  i am super, SUPER broke.  i always go all out(as much as i can) for the friends and family during the holidays.  i'm wondering about now whether it's because i love the season and i love them, or if i'm programmed by the government to spend spend spend like a good little citizen and "help boost the failing economy".  i assume it's a lot of one and a little of the other.

aaaaaaaaaaanyway...

ahh, travis lennon brevard.  why are you leaving me?  i know that our friendship is young, but i love spending time with you, and i will miss you sorely.  i know that you got an awesome gig that makes you happy, and please don't mistake my missing you and wanting you to stay as not being happy as hell for you...but i will miss you.

i will miss our diner talks.  i will miss the way you drive.  i will miss the way you laugh.  i will miss the way you smile.  i will miss arguing with you about your heritage and your outlook on things.  i will miss your ears.  i will miss learning something new about you every time we're together.  i will miss your ears.  i know, i know, i said it already, but this is MY fucking blog. :)

ugh.

i will miss you, travis.