New Shit.

hello, addicts! happy new year. this will probably be my last entry of 2008. 2009 is a matter of hours away, and i'm very amped about it.

i do have this nagging little cold, however, and i can't seem to shake it. what worries me is that, right now, while i'm at work, there are a million people at my house drinking. well not really a million...more like a half a million. and when i get there, there will probably be more coming. i sincerely hope that my other half has the presence of mind to stop the guests from fucking up any of my shit.

to celebrate the coming of the new year, the other half and i decided to get some liquor (a whole LOT of liquor, to be exact), order a couple of pizzas and invite a few friends over. the only problem is, i'm sick, and i probably won't be much fun tonight. i've been pumping myself full of painkillers and chicken soup and blackberry tea with a touch of honey and vodka for the past 3 days in hopes that my symptoms would subside enough for me to be able to enjoy this night.

they've subsided. the symptoms. they're just not fully gone. i have this awful dull headache above my left eye...i have the sniffles, and to be truthful, i'd really rather just have a glass of champagne and go the hell to bed. i've been secretly hoping that nobody shows up to the little get together we threw...but no such luck.

they're over there.

they brought two kids.

i'm kind of mad about that. no, that's not right. i'm just a little irritated about that. i was hoping that it would just be the adults, if it had to be anybody at all. i love kids, but they whine, they cry, they fucking shit themselves, they knock shit over, they scream, they're loud and they're generally not very considerate. i have too much nice stuff for kids to knock over and fuck up and break and wreak havoc upon. i'm hoping none of that happens tonight.

jesus christ, my elephants!

my fucking ceramic elephant collection!

i swear to god...

*whoo-saaahhhh...*

whatever. anyway, 2009. i don't think i have a new year's resolution. i'm not going to say i want to lose weight, or quit smoking, or land a good job(namely because i already have one)...nothing like that. i think i'm just going to resolve to make myself a better woman, in every way that i can. educationally, physically, spiritually, all that. i want to make myself a better woman.

and i want an apartment on mt. washington. that's my crazy new year's resolution. i'm going to get myself an apartment on mt. washington.

a lot of crazy things have happened in 2008. a lot of bad things. katrina. iraq. bush in general. afghanistan. bombings. beheadings. hangings. death. dying. despair.

looking back, this has been one shitty ass year.

the only truly good thing, globally, in the midst of all the bullshit, that has happened is obama.

i can only hope that his arrival will signify positivity for this country and for the world.

the only thing that i can promise is that i'm going to do my part to make this year better than the last. i will be more involved in my activism. i will volunteer my time to the animal shelter. i WILL go back to school. i will be on my grown woman.

you know, i've noticed that on myspace, a lot of people have said things like "imma be on some new shit in 2009. stay tuned."

feh.

what is this infamous "new shit" that everybody's supposed to be on, that we are all supposed to "stay tuned" for? what does that really mean? no one ever seems to elaborate on what that truly means. does this mean that we're finally getting rid of our deadbeat baby daddy's? does this mean that we're not going to allow the girl who works at the jewelry counter at Macy's to sabatage our job as a cashier? does this mean that we're going to finally rent those 20 inch rims we saw at the rim shop and put them on our 1991 cavaliers? does it mean that we're going to increase our hours at the hair store so we can stop wearing tracks and start saving up for a lace wig or two?

:) i'm being facetious, but what does that "new shit" really consist of? inquiring minds would really like to know.

if i'm going to get on some "new shit", that means that i'm going to make an attempt to get a promotion at my job. that means that i'm going to read more books and try and learn more about the existence (or lack thereof) of a religion that didn't use its values to brainwash people. it means that i'm going to learn more about the legalization of marijuana. it means that i am going to learn more about the process of getting out of the military so that i can help soldiers that have been lied to and abused by their commanding officers and thus, the military in general. that means that i'm going to make strides in my education. that means that i'm going to be more available to my family. that means that i'm going to be a better friend. that means that i'm going to attempt to find myself, and figure out what i really want.

that, my dear addicts, is MY new shit. what the fuck is yours?

happy new year, everybody.

see you in 2009.

until then...

One L♥ve.

Drunk.

I have absolutely nothing to say. I am drunk, and tired, and a little nauseated. I can barely hold my eyes open, and I am making a game out of attempting to type this without opening my eyes. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at typing, so this should be somewhat coherent.

Tonight I went to a bike function at Sin City's clubhouse. I went with a coworker. It was a good time. I am, as I said, moderately to fully intoxicated, and I've been home for a while now. Long enough to listen to Kanye West sing "Heartless" a few times, make peach mango tea with a touch of vodka and turkey noodle soup in hopes of getting rid of this slight fever and cold that I have.

Hmm.

Tomorrow we play the Browns, I do believe. If I'm not mistaken. I have no doubt that we'll hand them their asses. Oh, jeez...by "we", I mean the Steelers, respectively. I think that, if I remember, I'll wear all black and gold and put the black shit under my eyes (which is actually black and silver MAC makeup for me) in order to show my team spirit.

I came across a blog recently that was entitled "I Hate All Things Pittsburgh" or something to that effect. I chuckled at that. I can't see how anyone could hate Pittsburgh. I mean, I can see how one could mildly dislike some of the things that go on here, i.e. the racism, the crazy white drunk people who yell and scream and stumble into the streets on the South Side, or the way that fucking drink tax seems to put a slight damper on the night life around here...but "hate"? I can't see that. I love Pittsburgh. I really do. I do plan to move from here eventually, to South Carolina, but when I do, I will truly miss it here.

It's 4:20! :) I don't smoke weed, but it's fun to say that it's 4:20. At least right now...specifically because I'm inebriated.

Bikes make me happy. :)

Okay. This is what I think it is: I'm going the hell to bed. I'm going to take my tea with me and fall asleep to The Super Mario Brothers Super Show on DVD.

I love all of you.

Maybe I'll masturbate one more time.

Eh. The world is mine.

Until next time...

One L♥ve.

How-To.

I was reading something online about how to mend a broken heart.  I have come to the conclusion that all women need to know how to do this.  Men, I'm learning, tend to have their own ways of doing this...but women tend to struggle with it sometimes.  I came across this how-to.  I have edited it a little and ad-libbed as I saw fit.  I hope it helps...if anyone is reading.

Days 1 and 2

Step1

Breathe. All you can do is survive this first and difficult day. Take one day at a time. Give yourself permission to mourn. Call in sick at work, sleep all day, eat too much ice cream, sob.

Step2

Congratulate yourself for being human: It is only when you open yourself to love that your heart can break. Develop and repeat a helpful mantra to get you through the initial shock and pain, such as "This too shall pass" or "I will survive."

Step3

Reach out to a close friend or family member. It helps to share your thoughts with others. Watch a movie to distract yourself. Choose a comedy that has cheered you up in the past. Or watch a movie that's guaranteed to make you sob--it may surprise you how good that feels.

Month 1

Step1

Week 1: Force yourself to go out even if you are feeling despondent. Take yourself out for a cup of coffee or go on a long walk. Express your emotions in a way that comes naturally. Write in a journal, paint, sculpt or play music. Do daily cardiovascular exercise--the endorphins will give your spirits an immediate lift. Resist the urge to call your ex. Instead, write a letter. Don't mail it. Go out of town for the weekend to distance yourself from the temptation to call your ex. Visit an old friend or go back home to your roots. A change of environment does wonders for the spirit. Put everything that reminds you of your ex in a box and seal it. Throw it away, donate it to charity or ask a friend to hold on to it indefinitely.

Step2

Week 2: Surround yourself with friends. This may mean reaching out to people you fell out of touch with during the relationship. Make lists to help you regain your confidence and identity: a list of your friends, of things you like, of what you want to accomplish in the next decade. Spoil yourself: Get a new hairstyle, have a spa day or go shopping. Resist the urge to call your ex.

Step3

Week 3: Assess the experience. Have you learned anything about yourself? Does the experience make you more empathetic to others who've suffered a hardship? Begin an activity that will fill your time, distract your mind and rebuild your confidence. Train for a marathon, take up yoga or learn a new language. Resist the urge to call your ex. Volunteer your time at a local homeless shelter, soup kitchen or tutoring center. It will take your mind off your own woes and keep your suffering in perspective.

Step4

Week 4: Continue regular socializing and exercising. While socializing, though, make sure you don't depend on alcohol or drugs to dull the pain. Call your ex if you feel it would be helpful. Resist if you merely want to say hurtful things. Consider dating other people, but be wary of rebound relationships. Understand that you will need to experience and process sadness, anger, guilt and fear to fully heal. Burying or ignoring these emotions will thwart the healing process. Write, cry, share the feelings with friends.

Months 3 to 6

Step1

Force yourself to go on dates. You'll be surprised to discover that your heart can still flutter over someone. It's part of the healing process.

Step2

Consult a psychiatrist if you are experiencing symptoms of depression, such as lack of appetite, insomnia or too much sleeping, low self-esteem, and an inability to concentrate or carry out routine tasks. Ask a friend or physician to recommend one who is experienced in treating depression.

Step3

Remember that healing is a process that takes time. Expect waves of sadness, anger, guilt or fear even after you think you are over it. Give your heart time to heal.

One year and beyond

Step1

Compartmentalize the experience in your memory: "My heart was broken once. It really hurt and I'm glad it's over."

Step2

Reach out to your ex if you want to re-establish a friendship. Do not harbor secret ambitions of winning him or her back. You'll only set yourself up for another heartbreak.

Goodbye, Mr. Brevard.

hello, addicts.  it's been almost a month since i wrote.  if there's anyone out there actually reading this...if there's anyone who actually cares...i'm sorry it's been so long.

well, christmas[kwanzaa for me]is upon us.  i am super, SUPER broke.  i always go all out(as much as i can) for the friends and family during the holidays.  i'm wondering about now whether it's because i love the season and i love them, or if i'm programmed by the government to spend spend spend like a good little citizen and "help boost the failing economy".  i assume it's a lot of one and a little of the other.

aaaaaaaaaaanyway...

ahh, travis lennon brevard.  why are you leaving me?  i know that our friendship is young, but i love spending time with you, and i will miss you sorely.  i know that you got an awesome gig that makes you happy, and please don't mistake my missing you and wanting you to stay as not being happy as hell for you...but i will miss you.

i will miss our diner talks.  i will miss the way you drive.  i will miss the way you laugh.  i will miss the way you smile.  i will miss arguing with you about your heritage and your outlook on things.  i will miss your ears.  i will miss learning something new about you every time we're together.  i will miss your ears.  i know, i know, i said it already, but this is MY fucking blog. :)

ugh.

i will miss you, travis.

Wish.

hello, addicts.  just saying hi.  i haven't posted in a while.  i don't really have much to say today.  i have a slight headache, and i think i might have a nice long bubble bath after i'm done watching scarface.

christmas is coming.  kwaanza for me.  i need to start decorating, really, i do.  i have a kind of mixture in mind this year...african kwaanza stuff mixed with christmas decorations.  sounds a little tacky, i know, but if you know me, you know that i have a crazy, tasteful, couture kind of thing going on, and that goes for my interior design tastes, too.

i am posting my wish list on here for all of my readers, in hopes that some of the things on it will be under my tree. :)

selfish?  not so much.  i mean, everybody has a wish list, right?

i'll KISS. (keep it simple, stupid.)

1.  duplicolor mirage paint kits so that i can paint my bike.  mirage paints are the more affordable version of house of kolor khameleon paints.  i would like the purple/green color scheme.  the kits on amazon.com are relatively small, so i'm going to need a few of them...4 or 5 or so.  here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Dupli-Color-MIRAGE-Color-Shifting-Purple/dp/B0007N56N6/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=automotive&qid=1227673704&sr=8-2

2.  nightmare on elm street box set.  new or used is fine.  as long as i don't have to deal with scratched up discs that won't play...i'm easy to please.

http://www.amazon.com/Nightmare-Elm-Street-Collection/dp/0780626966/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1227676407&sr=8-2

3.  a vance and hines performance exhaust...link coming as soon as i can find one that fits my bike. :)

4.  a fifth of Pravda vodka.

5.  apricot dekuyper's and blueberry dekyuper's.  google that shit.  it makes for good fuzzy navels and blueberry kisses, a drink i sort of invented. :)

6.  any type of Chuck Taylors in a mens' 9.  preferably something wild-looking, like the kurt cobain notebook Chucks...

http://www.converse.com/index.aspx?mode=pd&sku=105817F&CSID=345

...and that should make me happy this holiday season. 

okay, i need to watch al pacino dance in scarface right now.  it's too too funny.  i'll blog more later, or tomorrow, or sometime.

Until then...

One L♥ve.

Strike.

hello, addicts. this one will be short, regrettably. it's late, and i'm tired, and i have to work tomorrow. i just wanted to tell you about my day at work today.

in case you didn't know, i'm a D&A counselor, and i work with delinquent and dependent adolescent boys. love, love, love my job. i can't imagine myself doing anything else. i'm sure i've said that in a previous post, though. whatever. anyway, today, myself and a coworker took some of my boys on an outing. we went to cici's pizza, then we went to the mall for a little while, and then we went bowling.

have you ever lived for anything?

i live to see my boys smile.

today when they were bowling, they had such a good time. it made my heart soar with happiness to see them enjoying themselves. it seems like such a simple pleasure, really, to see a child (teenager) laugh, but it is an amazing feeling.

i went to dunkin' donuts and bought them some donuts, but unfortunately, there was a minor verbal altercation between two of my boys in the bowling alley, and it made me mad, so i didn't give them the donuts. other than that, we had a really good evening. they laughed, they were respectful, they were KIDS. it warmed my heart. if ever i thought about a career change, all thoughts like that were eradicated tonight.

but now i have 2 dozen donuts in my refrigerator that i have no idea how to get rid of. lord knows i won't eat them all. i will have a sugar donut or two, and i guess i'll donate the rest of them to anyone who'll have them.

bowling. i haven't bowled in years, literally. i wasn't even aware that the bowling alley in monroeville had a bar in it. of course i didn't indulge while i was with my kids, but i've decided that i will definitely fuck with it when i'm with my friends or my significant other. i'm sure cosmic bowling (that's what it's called after hours) would be a BLAST when you've had a few.

okay...i think that's all for me for now. i'm off to bed. it's 5:05 am. i need to lay it down. i'm sleepy and i need to hold my bear and snooze. more tomorrow, i promise.

until then.

One L♥ve.

The Strangers.

today, before i went to work, my dog Khaos jumped up on my bed and started barking. she woke me up. then after that, i heard someone knocking on my bedroom window.

i was groggy, so my reaction time was a lot slower than normal, but i did look out my window. i didn't see anyone. there was no one there.

i was a little shook about that. the first thing i thought of was that movie, the strangers. if you haven't seen it, go see it. i immediately heard that song playing in my head, that one song that starts skipping on the record player when the girl realizes that there are killers in the house. i can hear it now.

i don't know who could have been knocking on my window this morning, but it's really creepy. i'm glad i have Khaos to protect me. i love her. i don't know what i'd do without her. she keeps me safe.

i hope that movie's on my on demand. if it is, i think i'll watch it this evening.

hmmm...other than that, addicts, i really don't have much to talk about right now. i will post more later, if i come up with more. until then...

One L♥ve.

Black.

tonight, history was made, and i am so happy that i was alive to see it.


tonight, barack obama was elected president of the united states of america. a Black man.

yeah, yeah, i know, i know...his mom was white, whatever. but think about it...the constitution states that, basically, if you have even a drop of beautiful Black blood in your body, you're Black.

so...we are getting ready to inaugurate the first Black president...amazing.

personally, as a Black woman, i really didn't think i would ever see this day. i'm not sure whether i just didn't think it would ever happen or if i just didn't think i would live to see it.

whatever. none of that matters now. i'm 27 years old, and today, i went to the shadow lounge/ava's election party and watched a sexy, intelligent, articulate-as-hell, capable, beautiful Black man become president. words fail me.

the worst, however, is far from over. this is just the beginning.

there are so many issues that i could address...but i'll pick only two. one: security. this man must have the most security of any president in the history of presidents. there is a skinny white trenchcoat mafia-type kid with an assault rifle RIGHT NOW just waiting for the right time to pull a lee harvey oswald. i'm a little nervous about that. well, if we're being honest with each other, i'm VERY nervous about that.

the second thing...this whole communism accusation. i keep hearing that obama is a communist. where is this coming from? i guess i'll have to read up a little more on it. i just can't see that happening. i don't. i can only see good things coming from this huge victory. maybe i'm a little biased, but whatever. fuck it.

i had so much fun tonight. the other half and i went to this little afro-conscious bar called the shadow lounge for the election party, like i said, and we had a blast. there are so many people who i'm going to have to email/search on myspace to retrieve pictures that have been taken of me tonight. i know i'm everywhere. it makes me feel good that i have been frozen in time on so many people's cameras on this amazing evening.

incidentally, i happen to think that obama is the sexiest man breathing.


damn. i love that shot of him. it's my favorite.

night-night, mccain. got em.

One L♥ve.

Travis and Fast Times.

this one will be short, kids. 

i have an amazing friend in my life named travis. i love travis. it's a platonic love. but it's love.

the most wonderful thing on earth to do with travis is to drive with him. jumping in the passenger seat of any vehicle that travis pushes is life. truly, it is life.

there is no greater pleasure when i am with this man than to crank up the buttery, velvety sounds of killswitch engage, close your eyes and give travis control. i say "buttery, velvety" when speaking of killswitch engage because Howard Jones has the most delectible voice of any screaming metal band i have ever listened to.


One L♥ve.

The Beginning.

hello, faithful readers. i sincerely hope that my blog is worthy of your attention. this blog will act as a diary. most of my entries will be visible to the public. some will not.

my blog is entitled "spoonful of saffron cream". it is a reference to my favorite book at the moment, "wicked" by gregory maguire.

i'll talk about that more later.

right now, let me tell you a little about myself.

my name, for all intents and purposes, is Cheyenne. you may address me as Saintly, Lady Heroin or Empress.

Lady Heroin is a reference to the fact that i am unbelievably, inherently and unforgivably addictive. Empress is a reference to my Jamaican heritage.

i am 27. i have no children. i have a significant other of the male persuasion, but i am a lesbian at heart. i have always loved women much more than men, and, if things between myself and my significant other fail to flourish, i will be with women for the duration. i will speak more about my love life in later entries...i promise you, it will not bore!

i am a d&a counselor. i work with delinquent and dependent adolescent boys. i love my career. i can't imagine doing anything else.

i have modeled for 10 years. i love being beautiful in front of a camera. i love how cameras work; they have always amazed me. they are the only device, for all intents and purposes, with the ability to capture time. it amazes me.

i love sport bikes. i own a yamaha seca ii. i'm still a novice, though, so i still have my riding lessons every week. i will continue them until i am more sure of myself. i also have a truck for the winter.

i live in pittsburgh.

i am amazing.

i am strong.

i am beautiful.

i am an addiction in itself.

that's all for now. i will write more when i get home, as i am at work now.

until then...


One L♥ve.